Of marriage and sweary cowboys

Today I received the following request for advice from recently married acquaintances in the Old Country (that's England, by the way). I'm no expert on marriage, but I'm certainly a go-to chap on the source of this particular strife. I present a young wife's cry for help here, with certain names altered:

Dear Mr Martini,
Please can you advise - Boris and I are having our first serious marital dispute... about Deadwood. We watched the first series together avidly and Boris claimed to love it as much as I did. But he has since disregarded everything he said about the brilliance of the series to bond with his best friend Jurgen over joking about 'Lovejoy in breeches' and has embarked on a brutal campaign of furniture appraisal in mining territories... which has naturally left me feeling betrayed. I would like to add that Jurgen has not seen a single episode of Deadwood... and indeed his knowledge of the Sopranos is sketchy to say the least. Boris assures me that no red-blooded male can watch Deadwood without thinking of Lovejoy. Is this true??????
Yours,
Distraught in Stockwell

Now, I pride myself on being something of an aficionado of the HBO series Deadwood. It looks and sounds like nothing else on television - a not uncommon description of HBO's original series' - and is completely absorbing as long as one gives oneself over to it. It requires careful viewing, and especially listening, but is terrifically rewarding for those who put the effort in. It also has far-and-away the best swearing on any television programme I've ever watched; the sheer number of 'cunts' and 'cocksuckers' per episode almost makes up for the complete lack of decent cursing on American tv anywhere.

I admit that I too was thrown initially by the presence of Ian McShane, the English actor who played antique dealer slash detective Lovejoy on British tv in the early 90s, as the ruthless saloon owner and pimp Al Swearengen - although anyone who saw his cameo in Sexy Beast should be open-minded about his abilities to play a right scary bastard. The fact is that Swearengen is one of the most intriguing and filthily complex characters American tv is capable of producing (and only on HBO, which doesn't have advertising, bless it). This becomes especially true in the second series, which has yet to be shown in the UK.

So I present here my reply to the request for help above.

Dear Distraught,
Who is this Lovejoy you speak of? I vaguely remember something about antiques, but over here in the US this is a complete mystery. Do red-blooded males only live in the UK and watch awful Daily-Mail-reader-pleasing televisual jaunts through matters of concern to leafy middle England? If so, then they're still merely a bunch of walking cunts and warrant no regard. Did your so-called Lovejoy plot to murder a young 'squarehead'? Or actually have a gold-prospecting 'dude' killed? Or have horrible sex in his long underwear, bum-flap bouncing along with him? Did he use the term 'cocksucker' to describe every person who came into his field of vision? I think not.
And let's see how much Lovejoy springs to mind in the second series when Swearengen gets a hot catheter put up his urethra to shift some gall stones; or has conversations with a severed Indian's head; or ends a meeting with the Widow Garrett with the line, 'I like some of that fucking black darjeeling' when asked about what kind of tea he would prefer at their next encounter.
Your husband is clearly walking perilously close to cunt-hood himself with his lack of respect for this towering figure of American history. If he and his friend are unable to suspend their fascination with leather-clad antique fondlers long enough to enjoy a good old cowboy sweary, then I suggest you let the cocksuckers remain in ignorance. Because you get it.

yours,
Jimmy B.

And just to show that I'm not above having a good laugh about Deadwood, I hope fans of the show will enjoy this parody (perhaps the only funny thing I've ever seen MadTV do).