iWant (even though the screen will be scratched 0.5 seconds after opening)

This list at McSweeney's is a larf. Edited for personal taste below, but the whole thing is worth your 60 seconds..

The iPhone: A User's Guide.
Congratulations on your purchase of the 8-gigabyte iPhone from Apple Inc.! For the first time, you will be able to engage in all the varieties of human interaction through a single device. Please consult the table of contents below for an in-depth look at your iPhone experience.

I. Introduction
II. Turning on the iPhone
III. Making a call using the iPhone
...
VII. Using the iPhone to catalog your contacts
VIII. Using the iPhone to manage your calendar
IX. Using the iPhone to solve disputes between Moqtada al-Sadr and certain Sunni elements within Iraq without causing an escalation of hostilities, or the development of closer ties between Iran and Shiite militias
...
XIV. Using the iPhone to become governor of an oil-rich former Soviet republic where the temperature often drops to 76 degrees below zero (Fahrenheit), and then buy an English Premier League soccer team
...
XVIII. Using the iPhone to learn whether superstring theory's positing of 10 dimensions (or 11 in M-theory) is viable in light of recent discoveries relating to dark matter
...etc

pic from here.