James B. Martini

... wha? Ok, Ok, I'm up

2009-01-13T20:49:00.004-05:00

My video of Dali the Pug from Rio has been removed from YouTube for a copyright violation. It was the music. That's a first for me. Doubt it'll be the last.

I skipped the whole of 2008. Anything interesting happen?

Hello Kitteh

2007-12-23T21:26:00.000-05:00

Whatever you say, mistress

2007-08-24T10:55:00.001-04:00

Hoonds

2007-08-23T01:40:00.000-04:00

Hey look! Funny dogs!

These fellas were on The King's Road in London. Fantastic jowls and lower teeth.

This big ole boy was on 43rd Street in Manhattan in July. Still a puppy apparently, but probably big enough to eat about 80% of the dogs on the island.

And finally this weirdo can probably be found most weekdays on the South Bank near the London Eye. A bit disturbing but the kids love it.

Who got game?

2007-07-10T00:41:00.001-04:00

I actually read all the way to the end of this PopMatters piece on "The New Romantic Era of Video Games", and was rewarded with this high-larious video of a 22-month-old kiddie playing Wii Tennis. The article itself ain't too bad, although the writer avoids Romanticism's, well, romanticism, regarding who got to be a lonely tortured artist (ie pale geezers with impressive vocabularies and enough time on their hands) and everyone else who just had to get on with their shit. Games have a more democratic potential, I think. Someone just told me that a key emerging gamer demographic is, basically, grannies (check dis out). I played a racing game with a gang of 9-year-olds in favella Rocinha in Rio. And I think the Wii is more significant for creating/re-mediating a (newly commercial) space in which to play games - not immersively behind a screen, but actual real space in your real living room. Hence the very wee Wii player below. Still the essay has a cool title and some interesting ideas and he likeses his Wii so he's alright by me.

Balls!!

2007-06-26T21:42:00.000-04:00

"Brit Makes Early Exit at Wiimbledon"

I mean, it's a very familiar headline - just one letter off.

Here's what happened. My first round draw was for 11am. Stoli and I were among the very first people there, and after much last minute kerfuffling and lots of other games starting I was told that I had a first round bye. Which was nice, except it meant I didn't get to play (/minor lower lip extrusion). Finally I'm called up and play one 3-game set against a stocky 30-ish geezer in a soccer shirt. I know, right? Weird. Anyway I win the toss and elect to receive, coz I gotz a wickeed cross-court return that is itself almost unreturnable.

I take the first three points, 0-40. I think he got one to make it 15-40 but my return was working and I won the game.
Next up I serve. Couldn't get the speed-serve to come up, not matter what I did. Goes to deuce, I get an Ad and a match point... but lost it, arse. Then he wins the game.
So game 3, my return is slightly rattled. The crowd is, well, crowding. We exchange points, goes to deuce. He gets 3 match points in a row, and I make it through each of them. But alas, not the fourth.

We stuck around for a while, but I have to admit to a mild gutting. Who wouldn't be? Still, a very silly day out indeed, and perhaps even a piece of gaming history. Have a look at the press coverage it got. Tips of headbands to Steve and Lane.

Wiimbledon is on! You can-NAHT be serious!

2007-06-22T18:55:00.000-04:00

Big day tomorrow. This week I was fortunate enough to blag a spot in the first ever Wii tennis tournament, Wiimbledon. I think its about 100 people, tho something like over 500 wanted in. I have my Bjorn Borg wig and headband ready to racque'.

I'll put pics up on flickr over the weekend. I just hope I don't draw some 10-year-old wunderkind in the first round. Lolpic from Destructoid.

Paprikaaaaa!

2007-06-04T20:51:00.000-04:00

It's rare that "I had the most bizarre dream last night..." leads to an interesting conversation, though perhaps less rare than the arrival of a genuinely interesting film about dreams. So while I know that the premise of Paprika, a new anime at the movies here, may not grab you right away -- dream machines blah blah -- I'm still going to tell you to go see it. Stoli and I did on Saturday afternoon and spent the rest of the day pleasantly weirded out. Plus I came across this photo somewhere and felt like posting it. Basically, it's gorgeous.

Here's the trailer.

GH updates by special request

2007-05-27T17:30:00.000-04:00

...from Solanasaurus. She likes a bit of the old Guitar Hero herself and wanted to see this clip after I told her about it: an 8-year-old prodigy who can rock 95% of 'Psychobilly Freakout" on expert, sometimes with his back turned to the screen -- if you're wondering, I can get about 78%. Also included below in GH-related phenoms are vids of a double-necked axe being played on both sides of a split-screen at the same time by a giant slice of pizza, and a couple of custom song hacks for the game (which require a modded-PS2 and some 12 different free software tools, and Windows. I wish) -- "The Joker and the Thief" by Wolfmother (choon!!) and "Duelling Banjos" from the movie Deliverance (inbred!!).

Fredo's Revenge

2007-05-21T17:54:00.000-04:00

So this one was worth it to arouse me from slumber. The Alberto G./DOJ shite going on over here has been incroyable. And so much more to come...

In other news...
A rather time-consuming mission came to a close today, with only the de-briefing to go next week before I'm promoted to ABD status (All But Death/Dissertation). Woo. Hoo.

The Dancin' Decider

2007-04-25T21:56:00.000-04:00

'The' blogs are all "my eyes have been scorched" at the latest video of B*sh gettin' down, posted here. But for some reason it kinda makes me despise him an iota less. La*ra is absolutely as lame as you'd expect though. The best evidence for this came in Brazil, where people with no legs are still expected to dance at the drop of a beat. Check her out next to Condi at about 0:43 in this one:

Regretty Mistakovich

2007-04-12T18:04:00.000-04:00

For all the new parents out there.

I saw this cartoon in The Onion first and I have to say that this Wondermark strip is a reliable crack-up, even if it is somewhat derivative of the finest American comic strip of the last decade, Get Your War On. This one is from the most recent batch.

Anti-War, Pro-Kitten

2007-04-12T17:58:00.000-04:00

A group I can relate to, and a nice meme-distribution model too:

Found at Adorablog.

Happy Zombie Jesus everyone!

2007-04-11T01:27:00.000-04:00

A few days late but what the hell. Next year I want one of these made of chocolate.

Exciting new graphic novel

2007-03-25T00:26:00.000-04:00

I've begun work on a new project that's something of a departure from the usual espionage, hiphop, politics and the like. Inspired by a new relative, I've cooked up a character-driven superhero epic that I'd now like to introduce to the world - HypnoBaby!

The next 300? Who knows...?

Hey tigers - fuck you! Ha ha!

2007-03-16T21:26:00.000-04:00

I can't decide which was the cheekiest move, the slap on the head or the grab of the tail. Larks!

Literary gems

2007-03-16T20:47:00.000-04:00

I have a couple of shout-outs to make to two very good friends who both had books published in the same week. Truly an alignment of stars of some kind. Mad props to people I love who don't dream it, they be it.

Stuart Clark, a classmate at the Jedi Academy, father of the cutest baby on the East Coast, and a diamond geezer of the very highest carat, is now a not-quite-so-struggling-as-he-was sci-fi author. Go get a copy of Project U.L.F. If you dig alien shit, you'll be sweet.

Theresa MacPhail, real-life Bond girl and Chinese-speaking medical anthropologist, has craftily tapped into the bird flu terror and written a timely international thriller titled Eye Of The Virus. I've ordered it but not read it, but if there's a character in any way based on yours truly she'll have more than some chicken with a cough to worry about. (Kisses, Tez!)

Henry Waxman - Accountabilininja

2007-03-16T20:09:00.000-04:00

I know I made a wee bit of fun at Rep Waxman's expense for his resemblance to Edward and Tubbs, but I am now in awe. This son of Justice is thrusting a flaming sword through the crawling crust surrounding the B*sh destructoids. There's a small profile of him here, since then he's been all over corruption in Iraq - that 363-tonne $4billion in cash sent over there and lost? He nailed that - and the Walter Reed hospital scandal, he's punked out Condi Rice for ignoring his information requests, and today he had Valerie Wilson/Plame finally give her side of the CIA leak story. Digby has more from today's hearing's here. And now he's getting stuck into the US attorney purge affair, which just gets freakier by the day.

G'on my sahn!!! Bring tha noize!!

Be with you in a mo', Jimi

2007-02-22T19:43:00.000-05:00

On the off chance that anyone reading this can appreciate the significance, today I completed 'Free Bird' on Guitar Hero II on expert. I was immediately beset by a dozen underage groupies with sacks of coke and a gold-embossed invitation to the pantheon of the lords of the plastic axe. It's been fun but eternity awaits. Later, mortals.

Animated interspecies shenanigans brought to life

2007-02-12T23:20:00.000-05:00

Et voila! Pepé Le Pew getting all "Aah mah dahleeeng, we shall ron awayee toogezzaire" with a saucy pussygata. From tha 'load.

He covets the precious things

2007-02-08T01:49:00.000-05:00

For context...

...and thanks to anonymous commenter for the larf.

Dollar dollar bill y'all

2007-02-08T01:32:00.000-05:00

Just a wee something at TalkingPointsMemo that did me head in a bit. It also happens to feature my new favourite pol, Representative Henry 'Local' Waxman (see two posts below), who asks a germane question:

The Federal Reserve sent record payouts of more than $4 billion in cash to Baghdad on giant pallets aboard military planes shortly before the United States gave control back to Iraqis, lawmakers said Tuesday.

The money, which had been held by the United States, came from Iraqi oil exports, surplus dollars from the U.N.-run oil-for-food program and frozen assets belonging to the ousted Saddam Hussein regime.

Bills weighing a total of 363 tons were loaded onto military aircraft in the largest cash shipments ever made by the Federal Reserve, said Rep. Henry Waxman, chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform.

"Who in their right mind would send 363 tons of cash into a war zone? But that's exactly what our government did," the California Democrat said during a hearing reviewing possible waste, fraud and abuse of funds in Iraq.

aha,aha,ahahahahaha...

2007-02-03T20:39:00.000-05:00

Is all politics really local?

2007-01-30T22:33:00.000-05:00

Reading around the blogs today I came across a picture at ThinkProgress of Representative Henry A. Waxman. He's the Chairman of the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, which is holding a hearing on "political interference in the work of government climate change scientists".

But I also wonder if Waxman might have family in England...

A Proper Two and Eight of a Union*

2007-01-23T19:44:00.000-05:00

I've watched every State of the Union address given by B*sh. That's right, I said it. I think tonight's might be slightly less than the usual travesty, although I really hope we get to hear about Mars again - Mars, bitches! (please go to that link, I just did and I laughed so much I needed to walk it off). Anyway, the reason for this post is this pretty funny pre-emptive pisstake from the Upright Citizens Brigade that I picked up at Atrios:

*"Two and eight" = "state" in Cockney rhyming slang

Babysitting tips

2007-01-23T19:41:00.000-05:00

For those who need such things.

Go here for a whole page of people duct-taped to walls and ceilings.

iWant (even though the screen will be scratched 0.5 seconds after opening)

2007-01-15T23:41:00.000-05:00

This list at McSweeney's is a larf. Edited for personal taste below, but the whole thing is worth your 60 seconds..

The iPhone: A User's Guide.
Congratulations on your purchase of the 8-gigabyte iPhone from Apple Inc.! For the first time, you will be able to engage in all the varieties of human interaction through a single device. Please consult the table of contents below for an in-depth look at your iPhone experience.

I. Introduction
II. Turning on the iPhone
III. Making a call using the iPhone
...
VII. Using the iPhone to catalog your contacts
VIII. Using the iPhone to manage your calendar
IX. Using the iPhone to solve disputes between Moqtada al-Sadr and certain Sunni elements within Iraq without causing an escalation of hostilities, or the development of closer ties between Iran and Shiite militias
...
XIV. Using the iPhone to become governor of an oil-rich former Soviet republic where the temperature often drops to 76 degrees below zero (Fahrenheit), and then buy an English Premier League soccer team
...
XVIII. Using the iPhone to learn whether superstring theory's positing of 10 dimensions (or 11 in M-theory) is viable in light of recent discoveries relating to dark matter
...etc

pic from here.

Spaced

2007-01-15T23:23:00.000-05:00

Nyx and I paid a visit to the Rose Center For Earth And Space on Sunday - doing a little research for an upcoming mission. We saw a film inside the sphere called 'Cosmic Collisions' that made me jump like Kris Kross. I did not know that the moon was created by orbiting debris from a rear-ender Earth took from another planet roughly squidzilmarillion years ago. What a mess that made. And that's waaaay before the meteor that completely arse'oled the dinosaurs. Makes one feel a bit... insignificant, doesn't it?

...and what's a visit to a planetarium without a Beavis-chortle or two over this old chestnut?

Generally filthy, but scrubs up nice

2007-01-11T00:07:00.000-05:00

A building Suffolk Street gets a power-hosing. From a handful of other nice NYC images from this photog's site.

How's this for a comeback?

2007-01-09T00:58:00.000-05:00

But you don't call it a comeback, coz i been here for years.

I saw this tonight and there was just something about the timing. It's the trailer for a film apparently made by Mel Gibson's production company... about mutant killer sheep. Fo realz. It's even called Black Sheep.

It happens that I went to see Apocalypto last week, only a week or so after catching The Passion on cable tv over the xmas hols. The former is pretty good, although we get totally gypped on the city scenes -- how the hell do you make a 2.5 hour movie about the Maya and only spend about 20 of them at or near a feckin' pyramid? And for all the hype about the violence, either I'm getting truly immune to movie gore or too many knickers are getting twisted.

Still, as the trailer says, I might yet be impressed by the 'violence of the lambs'. Ho ho ho.

Happy new year to all, but especially to Georgie and Rorzinho for caring, and to Rolf in the farfaraway. Watch out for the wily woolly bastards.

I have to go Wii

2006-11-21T00:40:00.000-05:00

Nintendo is back up in this console mofo. Fuck Sony.

Link sent in by J-Rad.

Casino Royale, with cheese

2006-11-20T23:50:00.000-05:00

'Bond 21' is absolutely straight out of the top drawer. Go see it toot-sweet if you haven't already.

In the meantime, here are some other Bond bits that cropped up last week:

-- Vids of every title sequence, from the groovy Dr. No to torture-and-Madonnalectronica Die Another Day.

-- JB's honeez being a bit ruder than they're allowed in the actual movies, and here's what became of a handful of them

-- And speaking of rude, it's what I would be if I didn't include this unsavoury tidbit dug up by Nyx: Judi says, 'Oh, James'... Craig measures up. Like ATHF he makes the homies say 'ho' and the girlies wanna scream. Nyx has been licking her chops for three days now.

Solid gone

2006-11-09T01:11:00.000-05:00

I've watched a few elections in this country, and I was pretty pessimistic going into the midterms last night. The first news I saw was that Lieberman had won, but it turned out to be the only time I blurted an ad hominem obscenity all night. From there on out the only swearies round my way consisted of "...no...fucking...way..."

And today they pretty much sealed the Senate.

And Rummy finally fell. Memories: My fighting style is 'fist of incompetence' and Rummy update, penguin edition.

What's next?

Village Halloween Parade '06

2006-11-01T00:45:00.000-05:00

Taken tonight...

Droids make better lovers.

Yep, Steve Irwin was there.

This guy made more women scream than anything else I saw. He and a buddy had about seven rats between them.

Unintentional self-portrait. Lightsabre looks good though.

kittenz up in yo grizzle

2006-10-30T21:13:00.000-05:00

I urge you to click here to see this in full effect. Found at the poorman.

speechless

2006-10-27T23:27:00.000-04:00

"It's a sin to go to bed on the same day you get up."

2006-10-25T00:11:00.000-04:00

So said Jimmy Walker, the fun-lovin' Mayor of New York City in the '20s, according to a site for Night People. Finally, a resource for we who suffer under the Tyranny of the Day People. And it's all biological, innit? It says that a Night Person is "an individual whose natural body rhythms are such that he or she is most active and alert during the evening and night and is least active and alert during the pre-dawn and daytime hours".
Here are a couple more good night quotes...

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
-- Edgar Allan Poe

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
-- Stephen Wright

Called out

2006-10-24T20:41:00.000-04:00

I spoke with Boris today and he brought up the lack of posts recently. Fairy-nuff. I'd been thinking the same thing.

So here are pictures of pugs in halloween costumes.

Croc and Easy Rider from CuteOverload, which is especially good around this time of year.

You're a fiesty little one

2006-10-12T23:01:00.000-04:00

Via StuffOnMyCat.

eh?

2006-10-08T19:01:00.000-04:00

A couple of gems from my quarterly browse through Overheard in New York:

Biker: I heard George B*sh was supposed to be here. Where the hell's that bitch nigga at?
--World Trade Center
06-10-4

Thug in cuffs: Yo, da ba-dunk-a-dunk is constimatutionally protected!
Undercover cop: Yes, but this is child pornography.
--Houston & West
06-10-4

Cute gangsta sheeit

2006-10-04T02:02:00.000-04:00

Martin Scorsese + Sesame Street. Fantastic swearing.

I saw The Black Dahlia on the weekend, and I'm the first person I've spoken to that like it. Make of that what you will.

Top choons - BNegão

2006-10-04T01:48:00.000-04:00

I saw this band BNegão in Rio in June, and they put on one of the best live shows I've seen in years. Brazilian hiphop funk rock... what else do you need to know? And they encourage fans to share copyleft mp3s of their music, so go to this page and get down. Paz.

Video games and real life

2006-09-25T20:46:00.000-04:00

You know how after playing Grand Theft Auto for a while, you start to just want to knock people off their motorbikes and jack them out of their cars while walking along the street? Surely it isn't just me...

Anyway, I only ask because in the past week I've come across a couple of cute examples of video games crossing over into real life. The first is a pic of Donkey Kong from this selection of images inspired by games.

And then I saw this on BoingBoing - a cartoon about Katamari Damacy, probably the most out-of-leftfield game of the past three years. And yes, I've also wanted to roll up some crap on the street after a few hours of Katamari and its absurdly catchy tunes.

For your temporary amusement

2006-09-18T21:23:00.000-04:00

We begin with "The Muppet Matrix" - dig Gonzo and Beeker as Agents. Spotted by my man Dothead.

Next up, a version of the classic (to me, anyway) Monty Python sketch "How Not To Be Seen" done as Halo machinima. Jolly good.

9/11/06

2006-09-12T00:24:00.000-04:00

Sixth Avenue and Grand, 7:22pm.

The Tribute in Lights is the only 9/11 memorial I need.

Thompson between Grand and Broome, 7:26pm.

Sullivan and Spring, 7:19pm.

Brazilian 'pirates' aaaarrghticle

2006-09-11T13:32:00.000-04:00

Some geezer with a weird hyphenated name has written an article for openDemocracy about music in Brazil. I noticed that his experiences there share some similarities with key events from my recent mission to that country. A counter-spy, possibly?

"Crackdowns on "pirates" in São Paulo and Rio may benefit the multinational music industry, but they defy the logic of Brazil's own distinctive music culture and trade, says some geezer with a weird hyphenated name." (Photo by Agent Calé)

A good start to the week, this is

2006-09-11T01:51:00.000-04:00

The Force is strong in this one...

From thingsthatmakeyougoaahh, some punk kids trying to take on the cuteoverlords.

5 years

2006-09-08T01:23:00.000-04:00

Nobody tells the truth like The Onion. This week's cover story is a work of bittersweet genius, satire as art.

NYC Unveils 9/11 Memorial Hole
September 6, 2006 | Issue 42•36

NEW YORK—Days before the fifth anniversary of the destruction of New York's World Trade Center by terrorists, city officials gathered on the site where the Twin Towers once stood to dedicate the newly completed 9/11 Memorial Hole.

"From the wreckage and ashes of the World Trade Center, we have created a recess in the ground befitting the American spirit," said New York Governor George Pataki from a cinderblock-and-plastic-bucket-supported plywood platform near the Hole's precipice. "This vast chasm, dug at the very spot where the gleaming Twin Towers once rose to the sky, is a symbol of what we can accomplish if we work together."

Pataki then cut a ceremonial ribbon to release a giant blue plastic tarpaulin, reportedly the largest of its kind, which fluttered and snapped while slowly settling into the detritus and mud at the bottom of the 70-foot Hole, drawing a long, tired sigh of resignation from the estimated crowd of 50,000 who had assembled to watch and shake their heads.

Begun only days after the 2001 attacks, the Hole covers almost the entire footprint of the original World Trade Center, contains over 16 acres of empty space, and is visible as far away as Hoboken, NJ. Over $175 million has been spent on the Hole's development, and thousands of pages of proposals and designs concerning the site in which the Hole was excavated were reviewed in over 2,800 hours of meetings. Work crews comprising more than 7,500 welders, equipment operators, excavators, and other construction specialists spent long, often unpaid shifts in its depths.

"These five years have been admittedly difficult," Pataki said. "Inevitably, we heard from the naysayers who said we would never accomplish anything on this site. To those people, I invite them to gaze down at this magnificent pit if they want proof of New Yorkers' dedication to this project."

...

"Let this circle of flowers—brief, beautiful, and too soon gone—symbolize the respect we have shown for the memories of those innocents who lost their lives on that sorrowful morning by creating this great hole," said the Reverend Charles Bourne of Lower Manhattan's Trinity Chapel as the flowers sank into the brown, debris-strewn runoff at the bottom of the cavity. "I firmly believe, as does every person here, that this deep, empty hole has come to stand not only for the New York City of today, but also for the transformation of the entire United States since Sept. 11, 2001."

Critters

2006-09-08T01:05:00.000-04:00

This photo gave me a chuckle...

It's from a series by The Editors to do with the whole kerfuffle over this ABC/Disney TV movie/propaganda film being shown next week. Six hours long, cost $40m and it's being shown commercial-free. There is, apparently, a line below the bottom line.

So those critters got me thinking about these South Park critters, who are clearly from the same neck of the woods. The strictly relevant part is at 8:20.

So sit yo showt ass down!

2006-09-06T22:07:00.000-04:00

Sorry shortarses, but hard data now indicates a relationship between height and intelligence. Lanky bastards win the day. Let's all move on.

This picture is one of a set of photos shown here. Apparently, "During the first half of the 20th century, it was a common novelty among fighting men of both sides to get the shortest man in the regiment and stand him next to the tallest man and take a photograph to illustrate the contrast." How'bout-dat?

Even Stephen

2006-09-06T00:13:00.000-04:00

From the good old days, when Carell and Colbert were both on The Daily Show. Simpler times.

Kitten vs Computer

2006-09-01T04:23:00.000-04:00

Hey hey we're the monkeys

2006-09-01T02:59:00.000-04:00

Check this for a headline, followed by some cracking monkey-derived insights and philosophical enquiries.

"The Two Apes Within Us: Hippy Sex Fiends and Brutal Machiavellians"
"So if humans evolved from apes, which ones are our closest relatives? Dutch primate researcher Frans de Waal spoke with SPIEGEL about bloodthirsty chimpanzees, sex-crazed bonobos, the origin of the family and the nature of human beings."

We're like chimpanzees because: they're territorial and violent, but they co-operate and make up quickly; they keep women down (but this may have been literally in the interest of preventing a full-on 'Planet of the Apes' scenario - apparently protecting females and babies in the savanna meant we had more of them and is thus "...one of the reasons why we dominate the world today, and not the apes".)

We're like bonobos because: they use sex for reasons beyond reproduction, such as "pleasure and relaxation", "repairing damaged relationships", and preventing infanticide "because bonobo males have sex with all bonobo females, [so] they have no idea which children could be theirs. We call this paternity concealment"; they foster survival techniques through group cohesion; the females dominate but hold grudges.

We're like primates in general because: they display reciprocity and empathy, revealing the possibility of a simian categorical imperative (it has something to do with watermelons and sharing, it's about halfway down).

So we're a mashup, and this is before we even get to thousands of years of social constructivism. A nice summation:
"Imagine if we didn't even know that chimpanzees existed. We would be forced to conclude that our closest relative is a friendly, sex-obsessed hippie, and we would probably come up with all kinds of theories as to where our aggressiveness comes from. It looks as though we have lots in common with both. On the one hand, we're good at making peace and perhaps even more empathetic than bonobos. We certainly have more sex than chimpanzees. On the other hand, we are territorial, power-hungry and even more brutal than chimpanzees."

Flat Daddies

2006-09-01T01:07:00.001-04:00

This bit of news from the heartland is one of the most oddly saddening stories I've seen on the domestic front in a while.

Guard families cope in two dimensions
'Flat Daddy' cutouts ease longing
By Brian MacQuarrie, Globe Staff | August 30, 2006
Maine National Guard members in Iraq and Afghanistan are never far from the thoughts of their loved ones.
But now, thanks to a popular family-support program, they're even closer.
Welcome to the "Flat Daddy" and "Flat Mommy" phenomenon, in which life-size cutouts of deployed service members are given by the Maine National Guard to spouses, children, and relatives back home.
The Flat Daddies ride in cars, sit at the dinner table, visit the dentist, and even are brought to confession, according to their significant others on the home front.
"I prop him up in a chair, or sometimes put him on the couch and cover him up with a blanket," said Kay Judkins of Caribou, whose husband, Jim, is a minesweeper mechanic in Afghanistan. "The cat will curl up on the blanket, and it looks kind of weird. I've tricked several people by that. They think he's home again."

One of my all-time blogging heroes, General JC Christian, extrapolates to good effect.

Brazilian juvenilia

2006-08-31T19:40:00.000-04:00

Take a moment with this logo for the Brazilian Institute for Oriental Studies:

...and then consider that it won the b3ta Phallic Logo Awards. It's real, there's some backstory here. Since the tone has been lowered so far already, it seems fair enough to add this logo from a Florida rehab centre, via Scanner.

Fnarr fnarr, as we used to say round our way.

Colbert and Stewart - the only part of any award you show you need to see

2006-08-29T03:07:00.000-04:00

Emmys blah blah utter wankfest blah blah don't give a fuck blah blah BUT... Crooks and Liars and the internets come to the rescue so that a part of it I might never have known about is served to me like a perfectly cut slice of comedy sashimi. "Kneel before your god, Babylon" indeed.

Mission file addendum: Here's the youtube version.

Trailer mashups galore

2006-08-29T02:48:00.000-04:00

The Trailer Mash is a site dedicated to remixes/mashups of movie trailers. Much to enjoy here, but a special big-up is due to Kill Christ (Kill Bill + Passion of the Christ) and the trouble that it got its maker into with Mel Gibson. The Scarface romantic comedy up there now is pretty good too.

"I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence"

2006-08-23T22:05:00.000-04:00

The old blogging mojo went on a haitus last week - somehow the news was too wretched to take the mickey out of, and I've been decompressing from the Brazil mission so New York is more familiar than weird at the mo. But tonight I saw "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby", Will Ferrel's NASCAR piss-take, and felt that blogging tickle again. Ferrel has been making me laugh so long that it's practically a reflex action now, but another major treat is Sacha Baron Cohen (aka Ali G aka Borat) as a French driver transplanted from "Formula ungh", who drinks short coffees and reads Camus - yes, L'Etranger serendipitously enough (see post below) - while racing, is sponsored by Perrier, and delivers lines like "My husband Gregory and I want what any couple wants. To retire to Stockholm and develop a currency for dogs and cats to use". Sheer class.

Hope to get to "Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane" soon too...

A moment of peak irony in the B*sh years

2006-08-14T01:49:00.000-04:00

CRAWFORD, United States (AFP), Aug 17 2006
US President George W. B*sh quoted French existential writer Albert Camus to European leaders a year and a half ago, and now he's read one of his most famous works: "The Stranger."
White House spokesman Tony Snow said Friday that B*sh, here on his Texas ranch enjoying a 10-day vacation from Washington, had made quick work of the Algerian-born writer's 1946 novel -- in English.

Absurdism. Existentialism. Alienation. A French philosopher. Killing an Arab with no apparent remorse. The Cure. I mean... Whaddyagonnadoo? I can see why he probably might not cry at his mother's funeral either, but... damn. Dig the "he made quick work" of the book too, all 144 pages of it. I first saw this story here, which contains some fine analysis (with links) in the comments, to wit:

President Discusses American and European Alliance in Belgium
Brussels, Belgium, February 21 2005
'We know there are many obstacles, and we know the road is long. Albert Camus said that, "Freedom is a long-distance race." We're in that race for the duration -- and there is reason for optimism.'

Ronald Aronson, the author of 'Camus and Sartre: The Story of a Friendship and the Quarrel that Ended It', writes....
The quote, "freedom is a long-distance race," was ripped from its context, one that establishes beyond doubt that Camus' words were not meant straightforwardly. No, a careful reading makes clear they were intended as a spoof of the thought of his former good friend, Jean-Paul Sartre.
[....]
The paragraph from which the president quoted begins by having Clamence extolling slavery, as Camus believed Sartre had done by aligning himself with the French Communist Party. Then Camus has Clamence condemn himself of hypocrisy, for which Camus criticized Sartre in his journal, by saying that that he "was always talking of freedom. At breakfast I used to spread it on my toast, I used to chew it all day long, and in company my breath was delightfully redolent of freedom. With that key word I would bludgeon whoever contradicted me; I made it serve my desires and my power."
[....]
Camus' character, while sounding resolute and tireless about pursuing freedom, making it seem daunting and thankless but the mark of a true human being, is really prattling on about freedom. He is intimidating people with it, using it for purposes of self-interest and does not at all believe in it. The grand-sounding phrase about freedom being a "long-distance race" is just another piece of flimflam. Camus, a writer who pondered every phrase, every word, might turn in his grave upon hearing Bush misunderstand his meaning.

I was also glad to see that the experience of reading a book has prompted the Prez himself to start blogging again.

Sweary movie classic - The Big Lebowski

2006-08-14T01:09:00.000-04:00

On Friday night we went to a midnight showing of The Big Lebowski at a theatre on the Lower East Side. I've seen it many times but never in a cinema, and of course it was fucking funny all over again. When I posted the pug bowling video a few weeks ago, I didn't twig the use of the Gypsy Kings' version of 'Hotel California' - turns out it's Jesus' (as in "nobody fucks with the Jesus") theme tune. In another jbmartini blogkarma moment - what I sometimes call a meeting in the valley of serendipity - I happened across a shorter version of the film, in that it only features every use of the word 'fuck' (and derivatives, obviously). I posted the Scarface version in March. What's especially enjoyable about both cuts is that each 'fuck' is in chronological order, so each film remains narratively coherent - to the extent that either one of the originals can make a claim to coherence in the first place.

If you enjoyed that, and remember He-Man, then you will probably get a kick out of this:

"That was an Improvised Explosive Opportunity, filled with the flying shards of a better tomorrow"

2006-08-11T02:05:00.000-04:00

The Daily Show's new Middle Eastern correspondent Aasif Mandvi delivered a cracker of a first report last night. He even pulled off a 9/11 gut-punch like he really believed it.

Seductive the power of the Pink Side is...

2006-08-11T01:07:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since my last Hello Kitty update. I spoke with Agent Yukako of the feared Toyama-Owens Clan tonight, and as ever was inspired to put up a couple of the latest nonsensical editions to the HK canon. We begin with a video game that never got made, one of a batch of gems including "GTA Saskatchewan" and "Super Mario Bloodlust".

Next up is this fine Kitty vs Vader mashup spotted at BoingBoing.

Which offers a smooth segue into this video of "Darth Vader being a smartass" plucked from the youtubeinterwebmassive and delivered to Martini HQ by Agent 'Bredren' Boris. Nothing to do with the Pink One, but this editing is pretty cute too.

Fresh street art on my block

2006-08-10T02:37:00.000-04:00

Examples of the new appearances on Thompson Street I've noticed since my return. The first is simply inspired, as well as tiny (thanks to Nyx for pointing it out to me the very first time we went past it).

The second is one of a triptych of faces painted on to a page of sex ads from the back of the Village Voice. Less left-field than 'numb nuts', but nicely executed nonetheless.

Cats in trouble

2006-08-09T02:44:00.000-04:00

With the new (English) football season soon upon us, I thought the first pic was timely. Thanks to Agent Robin for thinking of me when she saw this.

And this one below is a little old, but still speaks volumes.

Bunny-Luv

2006-08-09T01:39:00.000-04:00

I've been remiss in updating the blog since my return to New York. Some readjustment was required, a little recuperation, and perhaps even a wee recalibration. And it's a slow news time obviously, what with only two or three major wars going on. So I've been wondering what odd piece of everyday life here would inspire me to get back in the saddle. I am not especially proud to report that the answer is below.

I finished a bag of carrots this evening and only when the bag was empty did I realise that I was eating 'Bunny-Luv' brand 'classic cut' baby carrots, promoted by one of the most highly sexualised cartoon rabbits since Jessica Rabbit herself. And I pondered for a moment the underlying structures that finally give rise to the humble carrot being packaged and promoted in such a way. And in one moment I realised - America is Bunny-Luv, and Bunny-Luv is America.

It's good to be back.

Até mais, Brasil

2006-08-03T14:41:00.000-04:00

Mission successful

2006-08-03T14:14:00.001-04:00

Although it won't go reported anywhere, the good news is that Dali and I sucessfully completed the mission to save the world from The Cats from Brazil, with a little help from Agents Calé and Juju. Muito obrigado, my friends.

As the timer ticks down...

2006-08-02T19:24:00.000-04:00

It's been a week or so since my last entry - things got pretty busy after those monkeys made an appearance. It began raining here on Saturday and hasn't really stopped since then, but the mission has been rushing towards its climax unabated by the weather. Highlights of the past seven days include:

- going to a full-on baile funk (funk ball) in Favela de Rocinha in a massive concrete sports hall, with at least 3,000 people in attendance (by 3am, anyway), a live stage show with MCs and dancers, an unexpected appearance by a telenovela star, and a host of gentleman sporting automatic weapons in a group in the centre of the basketball court. I saw some of them dancing too, with the odd AK47 waved in the air in time to the beats. I also heard easily the most exciting and vital music that I've encoutered on this whole trip, and probably the filthiest dancing that the human body is capable of performing. A definite highlight that I'm still trying to process days later;

- being mistaken for someone I'm not in Ipanema by a woman working in a very posh jewellery store, who came up to me in the street and asked "Excuse me, you are movie star, yes?" Not a word of a lie, I was with my surprise Belgian contacts Agents Haggie and Rosey who will confirm the whole story. Haggie and I looked at each other, smiled, and I said, "Sure, that's me." It took another ten minutes to persuade her I was joking when I said this, because she had convinced herself that I was trying to "look like I didn't want to be recognised" as I was wearing one of my beautiful hats. I asked her what kind of movies I was in, and she said "Action". We still have no idea who she thinks I am.

- a visit to the Macaraná stadium, the Brazilian equivalent of Wembley in London in terms of national historical value. I stood in Pelé's foot-imprints, as well as those of Ronaldo and a chap called Roberto Dinamite (one can only hope he's a relation of Napoleon's), saw the locker rooms and ran down the player' tunnel on the pitch, which is helpfully filled with the recorded sound of a cheering crowd.

- last night Calé and I were invited by Juliana's mother to the opera at the magnificent Theatro Municipal in Praca Floriano. We saw Bellini's "I Capuleti e I Montecchi" (Romeo and Juliet), and frankly words will fail me if I try to describe the beauty of the entire experience. Among the 60 or so pictures I have stored on my cameraphone are shots of the building, which I will try to post when I figure out how to get them all off my memory card in one go.

- and, there were more monkeys.

Tonight Dali is hosting a farewell party for me at his phat pad in Copacabana, to be attended by the many new friends I've made here. Final post and pics from Brazil will go up tomorrow before I head to the airport.

Looked out the window, and what did I see...?

2006-07-27T11:21:00.000-04:00

MONKEYS!

Early yesterday morning, from the living room window of Chez Calé. There was a family scampering across the roofs, but they also took a few minutes to sun themselves and do some nit-pickin'. As monkeys are wont to do on a sunny morning. Excellent way to start the day.

...hug?

2006-07-27T10:46:00.000-04:00

When i first looked at this picture I immediately flashed on Dr Evil with his son in the "give your father a hug" scene from Austin Powers. Is that wrong?

Dr. Evil: Can I have a hug?
Scott Evil: No.
Dr. Evil: Give me a hug.
Scott Evil: No way.
Dr. Evil: Come on. Let's go. Pronto.
Scott Evil: What are you doing?
Dr. Evil: I'm with it. I'm hip. Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein! Come here and give your father a hug.
Scott Evil: Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!
[Dr. Evil shuffles after him with his arms out]
Dr. Evil: Hug, hug, hug.

Amazing views though, which clarify the geography of the city very well. This is the lagoon and Ipanema. Copa is to the left out of shot, more panoramas on flickr.

Jazzed-up mucking about with Dali

2006-07-23T22:32:00.000-04:00

On the way to hang at Ipanema Beach today, I stopped by Dali's phat pad to see if he could come out to play. He's kind of my Rio Felix Leiter now and has been invaluable to the mission, but today was sunday and all cariocas hit the beach on sundays. He was in the middle of entertaining so couldn't come out, but I stuck around long enough take this amusing video. (I spent about an hour trying to do the music edit right at the end, so I hope you enjoy it.)

This is for Juliana and Dali's friends worldwide.

Brazilian birds

2006-07-23T22:18:00.000-04:00

Taken at Ibirapuera Park in Sao Paulo on the day before I left last week. Beautiful park - lots of kiddies and kissing couples and sunshine bouncing off water. And many birds.

More new pics, including new graffiti and Sampa street scenes, at Trip do Brasil.

Pug bowling

2006-07-23T12:22:00.000-04:00

Last night I got to hang out with Dali the pug at his phat pad in Copacabana. I wanted to play some pug bowling with him, but we didn't have the right equipment.

Stage four underway - Rio: The Return

2006-07-23T12:17:00.000-04:00

Back in Rio now, and lovin it. Sampa is an amazing city, but I've decided that I'm definitely a Carioca rather than a Paulista. In the final stretch now, the mission is approaching its denoument...

Graffiti treasure trove

2006-07-18T22:08:00.000-04:00

There's a street in Villa Madalena, a neighbourhood in western São Paulo, that has been given over to graffiti artists. The work there is extraordinary - orginal and striking, with identifiable elements of the art's roots mixed with Brazilian sensibilities of sex, politics and nature. My favourite mural at the site, a kind of triptych, incorporates all these themes into its imagery and even manages to fully incorporate an actual tree. The first picture below is from the middle section of the piece, and I've added a few more below that. There are about 25 pics of other works in the Trip do Brasil flickr set.

Brazilians taking the piss out of Zidane

2006-07-17T01:07:00.000-04:00

I was in Praca de Se in central São Paulo on Friday and heard a cheer rise up from a crowd gathered in the plaza. I went over to investigate and found a TV crew that had set up a dummy in an Italian football jersey, and was inviting locals to headbutt it. It was very silly. The director saw me laughing and came up to ask me if I spoke Portuguese but I had to say no - to think I came this close to being on Brazilian telly nutting a mannequin. Anyway I filmed a few efforts and threw the vid up on youtube (to at least one person's consternation, according to his/her comment). At the very end the put-upon dummy even has a pop of its own at the cute presenter, who was quite aware of the absurdity of the scenario.

Sampa, with a bonus ninja

2006-07-12T21:32:00.000-04:00

Here's a small selection of São Paulo pics from my first two days here. First of all, as I mention below, it's absolutely feckin huge. It's not really possible to capture this in a photo but these two below were a stab, taken from one spot in opposite directions. Notice that there are towering buildings as far as the eye can see in both directions, and that I'm on a road above a park. There are views like this all over the city.

There's also a big homegrown hiphop scene in Sampa and all kinds of street art and graffiti everywhere, much of it pretty good. There'll be more of this coming - there's some excellent burns in Rio too, but I needed better light for good pics.

(While on the subject of ninjas, I want to give a shoutout to Ask A Ninja, his latest screed against 'Pirates of the Caribbean' which is nothing short of genius, and his new business initiative. Best of luck to the man in black.)

The SP Metro system is excellent too, clean and efficient. You can also buys books from machines on the platforms, and check out those titles on the bottom row.

Yes that really is Machiavelli, Engels and Nietzsche. It's hard to find Engels in a bloody bookshop in the US. Extraordinary.

Meanwhile, back in the 'real' world...

2006-07-12T20:59:00.000-04:00

My free internet access here has allowed me time to catch up on some news from the US, and there are a couple of gems from the past week or so. This one about "terrorist targets" is a follow-up to a post I wrote back in June.

New York Times - It reads like a tally of terrorist targets that a child might have written: Old MacDonald’s Petting Zoo, the Amish Country Popcorn factory, the Mule Day Parade, the Sweetwater Flea Market and an unspecified “Beach at End of a Street.”

But the inspector general of the Department of Homeland Security, in a report released Tuesday, found that the list was not child’s play: all these “unusual or out-of-place” sites “whose criticality is not readily apparent” are inexplicably included in the federal antiterrorism database.

The National Asset Database, as it is known, is so flawed, the inspector general found, that as of January, Indiana, with 8,591 potential terrorist targets, had 50 percent more listed sites than New York (5,687) and more than twice as many as California (3,212), ranking the state the most target-rich place in the nation.

The database is used by the Homeland Security Department to help divvy up the hundreds of millions of dollars in antiterrorism grants each year, including the program announced in May that cut money to New York City and Washington by 40 percent, while significantly increasing spending for cities including Louisville, Ky., and Omaha.

“We don’t find it embarrassing,” said the department’s deputy press secretary, Jarrod Agen. “The list is a valuable tool.”

You know what else is a valuable tool? Jarrod Agen.

And in a further sign of America's happy descent into a theocratic irony-wormhole, a replica Statue of Liberty - half the size of the original, no less - holding a giant cross and the ten commandments went in Memphis for July 4. Perhaps this holy erection will hit the DHS terror target list soon too. Some background and extra links on the "Megachuch mega-lawn ornament" here.

Bahia roundup

2006-07-11T19:09:00.000-04:00

So I'm in Sao Paulo now, and it's massive. I mean huuuuuge, on a scale that even I, a seasoned gentleman spy and international man of mystery, have rarely encountered. It is the largest city in Latin America after all, but damn it's a big place. Anyway, more on that later. For now I have free internet access at my hotel, so it's a good time to put up some of the pics from the week I just spent in Bahia. All 70 of them are on the Trip do Brasil flickr set, but lack context.

In Salvador I stayed at Pousadar Ambar, a very sweet wee guesthouse in the Barra district, a couple of kms south of the town centre. They have this bottle-top cleverness hanging in their front window.

The historic center of Salvador, the Pelhourinho, is all narrow cobblestone streets and plazas. On my last day there I came across this fairly revealing indictment of the Brazil football team's performance in the Copa do Mundo. Ouch!

I also took time to explore some of the historic roots of capoeira, including a short visit to the school founded by one of the early pioneers of the Regional style, Mestre Bimba. It's now run by his son, Mestre Bamba, and I was fortunate enough to drop by while a groups of tiny kiddies were in class. Watching people no more than 3ft high play capoeira is something I highly recommend. This is the view of the street from the school itself.

As part of the research I'm doing here (the parts of it that don't involve cats that look like Hitler) I visited a hiphop school in the neighbourhood. On the wall at the entrance are a series of words that are good to know in Portuguese, and not too hard to figure out.

This is a cat I made friends with, who clearly bears no resemblance to any dictator.

I needed to get away from the city for a couple of days, so I took a bus up the coast to a small eco-resort called Praia do Forte.

The town has a famous giant turtle reserve there, so every business has a comedy turtle on its front sign. Here is an example, followed by actual turtles. The tiny ones grow into the massive ones in about 15 years, assuming they survive the various slings and arrows hurled at them.

And so I bid goodbye to Bahia, as Sao Paulo beckons and the mission enters stage 3.

On the eve of Stage 3 - Sao Paulo

2006-07-09T19:11:00.000-04:00

Taking care of some loose ends in Salvador tonight before heading to Sao Paulo, or Sampa as it's known to the locals. I spent the weekend away from the city in an 'eco-resort' called Praia do Forte, a little way up the coast. There's a famous turtle reserve there so everything in the town has a happy turtle on it, although none of them were of the ninja variety unfortunately. They are massive beasts though, and quite friendly. I also saw more monkeys - very wee ones indeed, scampering along a telephone wire. Smaller than a squirrel, with wide furry faces and ringed tails. Needless to say such animal antics quite made my day. I'l get some pics up when I can.

Ok, and yes, a grudging well done to Italy. The street outside this NetCafe might as well be in Roma for all the noise the local imports are making, blaring their horns and trying to get their hands on every female that happens by. Zidane's fall from grace was shocking, although the impulse to headbutt the odd Italian is one we can all relate to, I think. Shout-outs to Ano, Sebba, Lele, the two Marcos - you unbelievably lucky bastarrrrrrrdos.

Lessons in "go away"

2006-07-05T20:40:00.000-04:00

(Blogger is all in Portuguese right now, which is just a wee bit confusing but I'll soldier on...)

Last night I was sharing large bottles of beer and stories with a fellow who's lived in Salvador for about 16 years now. He runs a record shop and is looking to start producing local acts that perform Samba de Roda, or what he calls "the original samba". He used to live in New York, where for a while he managed a Gambian griot - a kind of West African minstrel that spreads news of other places in the form of songs - that played with Herbie Hancock. Cool guy.

Anyway, we were pestered by people wanting stuff from us (our beer, for the most part), and he taught me exactly how to put a stop to this, in Brazil at least. Here it is: you avoid eye contact and give a firm wag of the finger. This, he assured me, would do the trick where my "No, really, thank you" would not.

And sure enough, today I stepped out of the bus at the historic district's Praca de Se, was immediately accosted by a chap of dubious character, deployed the finger wag like an old pro, and he stopped in his tracks. Beautiful. No more crackhead tourguides for this gentleman spy on a mission, oh no.

Cracos touris

2006-07-04T22:45:00.000-04:00

After making such good friends with, and in, Rio, I'm now flying solo in Salvador. I've already established one or two new contacts, although the town itself is a little harder to get to know. Tuesday is the big night out here so I saw about five different bands playing in the street, and an all-girl drum ensemble making a fantastic noise. Didn't take my camera though, as crime is pretty rife here. I've already taken for a few bucks by what one of my new friends here calls "cracos touris", loosely translated as "crackhead tourguide". I'm sure he'll use the 10 Reais he got out of me on milk for his kids like he said he would.

These pics are from earlier in the day, the first of the harbour and the second of Rua Joao de Deus in Centro Historico. Saw my first capoeira games today too - Bahia is where that all started, of course.

Initiate Stage 2: Salvador de Bahia

2006-07-03T02:36:00.000-04:00

Leaving Rio tomorrow morning, following up on a key break in the mission (now codenamed 'The Cats From Brazil', see earlier posts for clues).

Yesterday began with the England match. Good effort, entirely predictable result. Still, I had an adrenaline stomach-ache for a couple of hours at least. No time to wallow though, as Agent Calé and I immediately hotfoot it to Racinho, the favela where we watched the previous Brazil game. Alot happened that day and I can't get it all down yet, but - it involved a lot of very loud firecrackers/explosives that were used in flagrant disregard for any safety instructions they might have come with; a generally good-natured acceptance that their team lost because they played really badly; piles of yellow and green plastic decorations torn down by kids, so big they could jump into them and roll around; a ginger gentleman with a pump-action shotgun, which is always a dodgy combination anyway; a street party that was pretty impressive given the events of the day; and an astonishing collection of photographs taken by a small gang of 7-9-year-old girls that kept begging me for my cameraphone, running off with it, bringing it back to me to reset it back to camera mode, then demanding it back again. Two hours this went on. I haven't figured out how to get 20 photos from my phone on to a computer yet, but I'm working on it.

Jimi

2006-07-03T02:29:00.000-04:00

On the path that runs round the lagoon.

The flat neighbourhood on the left is Ipanema. Rocinha occupies the whole other side of the mountain to its right.

Loser Saturday

2006-07-02T02:40:00.000-04:00

Shit.

Chez Calé

2006-06-30T19:19:00.000-04:00

I just want to give a shout out to Agent Calé and the quality of his hospitality - although he did say yesterday that I could stay for free for three months, but after four he'd charge me rent. His flat is in the neighbourhood of Humaita, right between downtown and Copacabana. From the back window you can see the Cristo (who watches you while you hang your laundry) and from the living room window you can see Sugarloaf. From my front window in New York I can see a parked car, and I live on the fourth floor!

Bobueeeeeno!

2006-06-30T19:05:00.000-04:00

...is Brazil's football commentator that everyone loves to hate. I've only been here a week and even I recognised the weeble-doll below. Every country has (at least) one such character, but not all of them sell special effigies that you can smack around while watching them on TV. Sounds like an untapped market to me...

My Portuguese is getting better too: I was able to translate the phrases on the doll all by my lil ole self. They say "For your entertainment, hit him with passion!" and "Relieve your tension while watching the Cup!" Actually, in fairness, Portuguese is the kind of language that makes one feel a bit smarter for comprehending it than might be entirely justified. But you can`t say that about many languages, so I`ll take it.

Monkeys and orchids

2006-06-30T18:28:00.000-04:00

... make for a pretty sweet combo on a visit to the Rio Botanical Gardens. The park itself is lovely, but the addition of monkeys puts it on another level - you don't see simians at Kew Gardens. I had no idea there were going to be monkeys at this place, but years ago in Guatemala I learned that if you're in a tropical environment and you hear something falling from a tall tree and it turns out to be a large green nut of some kind, then look up. Because you might well see a monkey. And happily, today that was the case.

It's winter here so there weren't many flowers in bloom, but the orchid house was open (featuring a variety of bizarro Amazonian plants) and the tree-lined paths were lush and empty of people. And did I mention there were monkeys? The pics below are especially for a certain Italian gangsta gardener of my acquaintance.

As ever, there's more at the Flickr set now labelled Trip do Brasil, which I'm updating as I go along.

Sugarloaf/007 moment of clarity

2006-06-29T22:31:00.000-04:00

While taking the cable car up Sugarloaf today, I remarked to my friend Lena that if there were any problems mid-climb that she had no need to worry because I'd learned from the Bond movie Moonraker how to escape from a rogue cable car. It was only later when I was blogging it that I realised... that's the actual one in the feckin movie!!! A large part of it is set in Brazil!! You remember - Roger Moore's in the car alone with Dr Holly Goodhead (certainly the best bondgirl name after Pussy Galore) when the silver-mouthed behemoth Jaws pulls up alongside them and a rather clumsy fight ensues on the roof, culminating in JB and Goodhead sliding down the cable wire hanging from his belt and Jaws crashing into the station. This is followed by the very Moore-era Bond exchange I culled from IMDB:

Goodhead: Have you broken something?
Bond: Only my tailor's heart.
[She kisses him]
Bond: What was that for?
Goodhead: For saving my life.
Bond: Remind me to do it more often!

Class.

Animals update

2006-06-29T20:15:00.000-04:00

Meet Dali (yes, as in Salvador). He lives in a much, much phatter pad than you do, two blocks from the beach in Ipanema no less. Dali and I went for a walk along the beach together the other night. I have a phonecam pic of us looking out at the sea together, but it was kind of a private moment...

And here's a pussycat that lives on the lower peak of Pão de Acucar (Sugarloaf) Mountain.

That one is for Nyx. The one below is from the top of Acucar. It was impossible to look at this without thinking of the cable car sequence in Moonraker with Jaws. Come to think of it, that might have happened in Rio...

AK47's and flipflops

2006-06-29T00:13:00.000-04:00

So my Rio contact Agent Calé used to live in the biggest favela in Rio, Rocinha. He still has lots of friends there, and took me to watch the Brazil v Ghana game on Tuesday. He told me not to take my camera with me so I don't have any pics, and I'm not sure I can do it justice with a brief description. It is, however, one of the most vibrant and friendly places I've been in a while. The fact that it is kept that way by gentlemen in shorts, flipflops and a variety of automatic weapons is just one of those things that makes Brazil a bit different from other places.

Sure there's poverty all around, but there are businesses and cafés and pet stores and machine shops and World Cup decorations and regular people doing regular things. Kids play football in the narrow streets, boys flirt with girls, mates play tricks on each other - although often with pretty powerful firecrackers, I noticed. Motorcycle taxis lurch around winding streets, darting between buses and shopping-bag-laden old women who don't bat an eyelid. I know this because we had to take a couple of them up and down the mountain Rocinha occupies (moto-taxis I mean, not grannies). Lots of people called out to Calé to say hi as we walked around, including the druglord kingpin of the neighbourhood, who was surrounded by chaps with the aforementioned weapons - I saw at least two AKs, an Uzi and what we call in gamer circles a BFG (first letter is for 'big', the third is for 'gun', you can guess the middle one) that I didn`t recognise. Yes this is pretty insane, but the real Brazilian cops who don't go into favelas are scarier-looking and smile less, which are likely both consequences of their being paid considerably less than their favela counterparts.

We watched the match under the corrugated iron awning of a tattoo parlour. There were about 30 people standing around watching the game - men and women of all ages and some very cute kiddies - all laughing and commenting on the players and enjoying themselves. Ronaldo's early goal set us up for a highly entertaining 85 minutes - each time Brazil scored, the whole crowd leapt to their feet and ran out into the street to make a joyous and almighty racket, only to dash straight back to their original postions as firecrackers went off all around. I was prepared for this by the third goal and sprinted out into the muddy street with everyone else. The tattoo guys also had a huge soundsystem that played a 'Brasiiiiiiiilllll!!!!' electronic jingle after each goal.

There's so much more but this is getting long. Buy me a drink sometime and I'll tell you the rest.

Where music and passion are always in fashion

2006-06-26T23:40:00.000-04:00

Copacabana Beach from the roof of the hotel, about 5:30pm.

This is the view to the north...

...and to the east. The famous Cristo is on the hill on the right. Its size in relation to the city reminds me of the Statue of Liberty in New York. Their representations in films and photos make them look like they dominate their respective cities like colossi, but actually they´re pretty iddybiddy from the ground.

Tomorrow my Rio contact Agent Cale is taking me to the Racinho favela to watch the Brazil-Ghana match. I´m rather hoping the boys in yellow win that one... better to be in a favela with happy Brazilians than pissed off ones.

MEAT!!!

2006-06-23T23:23:00.000-04:00

'kin 'ell. I'm just back from perhaps the meatiest meal I've ever eaten. We had dinner at a vast churrasco (bar-b-que) restaurant, where waiters come around with every kind of flesh imaginable on skewers and just drop slices on your plate. I tried at least three different kinds of beef, pork and lamb, and you could taste all of it (unlike most American meats these days). All served up with fried yukka roots, the local beer and yet more caipirinhas. I think tomorrow has to be an exclusive veggie and weird fruit day.

Eat my goooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!!

2006-06-23T18:39:00.000-04:00

Here's a vid I took of the crowd I was watching the Brazil v Japan game with when Ronaldo put the first goal in. Almost spilled my caipirinha. Listen for the firecrackers about 40 seconds in, they were being tossed into the air from apartments above the throng. The boys at the end of the film had a laugh with me later when they found out I was from Inglaterra, especially about "Croosh" the lanky English striker.

Brazil v Japan - in Rio, baby!!

2006-06-22T17:44:00.000-04:00

Arrived at the hotel, caught a much-needed snooze, and headed out to find a place to watch the match. Found a street party with a caipirinha stand and lots of yellow shirts -- and apparently an explosives factory nearby, because after each goal it sounds like downtown Baghdad. Amazing. More details later, some pics are already up at the jamesbmartini flickr page.

Thoughts on the eve of Brazil mission

2006-06-21T16:22:00.000-04:00

Tonight I embark on a special mission to Brazil, which should last about six weeks. Top secret stuff naturally, but I can reveal that it may or may not have something to do with cats that look like Hitler.

I shall endeavour to continue blogging when it is safe to do so. It seems that I may be all that stands between the end of civilisation as we know it and a 'Planet of the Apes'-type scenario, only this time with furry fuhrers. Wish me luck.

Thanks to Georgie P. for the link.

Feline Trifecta

2006-06-13T21:58:00.000-04:00

Or, if you will, a cat-trick. Three high-larious cat-based offerings tonight. First up is this story from New Jersey that I found at Hullabaloo (which is strange, because it's one of the best political blogs on the interweb, and doesn't normally go for this kind of thing). Add in Colbert's constant warnings about the threat posed to America by bears, or "godless killing machines", and we're looking at a perfect storm of jbm blog material.

WEST MILFORD, N.J. - A black bear picked the wrong New Jersey yard for a jaunt earlier this week, running into a territorial tabby who ran the furry beast up a tree — twice.
Jack, a 15-pound orange-and-white cat, keeps a close vigil on his property, chasing small animals when he can, but his owners and neighbors say his latest escapade was surprising.
"We used to joke, 'Jack's on duty,' never knowing he'd go after a bear," cat owner Donna Dickey told The Star-Ledger of Newark for Friday's newspapers.
Neighbor Suzanne Giovanetti first spotted Jack's accomplishment after her husband saw a bear climb a tree on the edge of their northern New Jersey home's back yard on Sunday. Giovanetti thought Jack was simply looking up at the bear, but soon realized the much larger animal was afraid of the hissing cat. After about 15 minutes peering down at the cat from the tree, the bear descended and tried to run away, only to have Jack chase it up another tree.
At this point Dickey, who feared for her cat, called Jack back home and the bear scurried back to the woods.
"He doesn't want anybody in his yard," Dickey said.

Next up we have two sterling finds from Bredren Boris. A video entitled simply "Stupid Cat":

Outstanding. And finally, this pathetic chap. I'd really appreciate an explanation for this...

poop!

Colbert on the World Cup

2006-06-11T20:55:00.000-04:00

London, 5am

2006-06-09T11:01:00.000-04:00

I'm in London now, preparing for my next mission in Brazil. Can't reveal too much about what I'm up to, but for some reason M insited on a meeting at Whitehall at 5am. At least Big Ben looks nice at that time of day.

So does Albert Bridge and the Battersea Power Station.

Under covers

2006-06-06T01:59:00.000-04:00

The Museum of Bad Album Covers is good for a variety of giggles. Blogspot is engaged in game of silly buggers at the moment and won't upload photos, so you'll just have to wait to see a visual representation of Paddy Roberts' 'Songs for Gay Dogs'. I want to know what it actually sounds like...

Found it.